it's like I know where I need to be....

but I can't figure out..... I'm waiting for something beautiful



I'm a planner. I like to have everything organized. I make lots of lists. I enjoy arranging, rearranging, scheduling, etc. I like to have everything planned out in a sensible and realistic way. Most of the times I attempt to weigh every option, every pro, every con, and every possible situation, all the while being mindful of the logistics, statics, advantages and disadvantages. Then when I’m finished planning I start to make back up plans since nothing always goes as planned. And when suddenly plans A, B, and C AND D fail, I’m reminded that I as much as I try to prepare myself, I’m not always prepared and usually this can be quite devastating.


During these devastating moments when I think ‘my life is over’, I’m freaking out and hysterically crying, all I can think is “I planned everything out.” It’s a feeling of loneliness, emptiness, doubtfulness and leaves me with so many unanswered questions. It’s like being lost and when you think you’ve taken the right road to get back on course, you see the same brick house you’ve passed twice already and then finally the bright yellow ‘dead end’ sign.


As I go through this relentless, ridiculous cycle I realize God is telling me “No Jessica, that’s not part of MY plan." It’s a hard realization to come to when God is telling me “no”, but I also know that His plan for me was planned way before I even began any of my planning. After each let down, I’m reminded that people and things will let me down, but God refuses to let me down. There really is no dead end, only new beginnings. I’m never truly lost. He’s always there with me, leading me guiding me, whether I’m obeying or not.


My fear of the unknown often holds me back, but I’m learning through these situations that the unexpected things are blessings in disguise that I would’ve never thought of or planned.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." -- Jeremiah 29:11

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” -- Romans 8:28

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My plans are significantly changing in so many ways but I give all my plans to God so that He may use them for His will.

Amen.